Symptoms

Mark your calendars with a big red asterisk ... Jonathan's back - and about time too!!! His Friday night chatshow will return to BBC1 on 23 January and his Radio 2 Saturday show the following day. Film 2009, will be back the following Monday. Also getting a new gig is Manuel himself ... some crap soap based in a fictional suburb of Mankchester; a programme which will continue to dim the brains of all those watching it, and I'm sorry to say, those belonging to some of the fine folks who visit here. Another group who'll be glad he's back are the moaners, people like - "Disgusted of Royal Tumbridge Wells" and "Outraged of Bedlingtonshire". Just imagine the scene ... coughing and spluttering over their Daily Mails or Telegraphs when reading about his triumphant return to our parlours, then getting-off letters of bile to those hateful organs (or even a spiteful post here). So in the end all are happy ... Jonny's back, Brand's going down a storm in the States, Max Clifford's got the Granddaughter a ton of work, and old Sachs himself lands a well paid job on the telly. Oh, and the sacked Boss of Radio2 landed a huge job before Xmas.

Oh dear! It's been announced that our Government is going to work with the European Parliament on plans to extend police powers to conduct remote searches of computers without a warrant. More here for those quaking in their boots (& that should be all of us): http://www.silicon.com/publicsector/0,3800...39372009,00.htm

Here is my greeting: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=sjlxgFFoPPY Best wishes to all.

BedlingtonLass wrote: "i think some people pretend not to know who soap characters are!! Well, I for one have never watched any of those programmes ... I want to do everything I can to protect the well-being of my brain cells. When the topic of this post is drawn together with Fav Takeaway In Bedlington (posted in Talk of the Town) a perception is created of folks who stuff their faces with pies & kebabs whilst slouched in front of the telly watching soap drivel. And, not a salad leaf or a bit of veg in sight! I say to the good folks of Bedlington ... wake-up before it's too late - nourish your brains ... subscribe to the Guardian, watch Newsnight and stop watching tosh.

Yep, sharp scalpels, needle & thread and the wires clamped to the testicles has it's worked magic again. All we need now is a Marty Feldman look-alike (nominations please) to waddle in here croaking "You rang?". Ok, lets have your suggestions as to who would make the most convincing familiar for Count Moderator up in his Castle Chat Central.....

Ah, so once they had their wicked-way with the body they connected it to the electrodes, a 10,000 volt zap and it's now a member of the Living Dead over at Castle Chat Central. Spooky!

Mysterious forces are at work here ... the patient has been the victim of euthanasia and it's corpse carted off to the mortuary. Extreme dissection will be performed by the owners/moderators to discover why the patient was showing signs of recovery; shame they had to top the patient in the process.

Blimey - pies, kebabs, hamshanks, more pies, chips, fat, fat, fat, more pies, more kebabs .... Try some vegetables or salad with your nosh ... you all know it makes sense. I say 'Death by Broccoli"

It's gotta be Christmas Blues by the great Dean Martin ... AND you can check it out here if you don't believe me: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=H0Zx8c55f7Y

She couldn't ... he'd just trashed the phone box

SPLODGE wrote: " ... can anybody also tell me when are the lights going to get activated in the mens toilets. its as dark as a pair of gorillas goolies in there hence to say i need to put my trainers in the wash this morning." Try doing what the girlies have to do - that'll save the trainers.

Sometime earlier I wrote: "Blimey, very faint stirrings seems to be emerging from the corpse called Forum, once in a previous life vigourous but moribund after his last incarnation. Dr Tezmarez is a dab-hand with the defribulator ... I say sign him up to permanently care for the patient." It could be that these recent stirrings shown by the patient might prove too taxing for it's poor, wizened carcase; it might consume itself. I suggest Dr Tez administer a good dose of Mogadon to calm the poor thing down.

shags - looks like you've captured a UFO landing. Why not team-up with that genius who awoke national consciousness about Bedlington some years ago when he offered free haircuts to aliens. Just imagine the item on the 6 o'clock News ... 'Proof that the Martians have arrived for their Xmas short-back-and-sides' - it could go Global. Just think of the spin-offs - hugely increased traffic here on the Forum, and monster downloads/sales of your music and prints. I would only require a modest 10% of revenue generated for floating the idea. This plan could have a flaw ... are there any barbers' shops left in Bedlington?

Jason - smashing photos, maybe you should consider doing a set to flog, say as prints or a calendar. But, but, but, I'm not sure what you meant by "I live in a poxy little nowhere town called Bedlington" on your website ... maybe an amendment might be in order.

This thread in summary: News Me, Me, Me

Blimey, very faint stirrings seems to be emerging from the corpse called Forum, once in a previous life vigourous but moribund after his last incarnation. Dr Tezmarez is a dab-hand with the defribulator ... I say sign him up to permanently care for the patient.

Just as well those Wigan cops weren't tooled-up. Just imagine the scene .... "Yes your honour, even though he was unarmed, as a soldier he could have been a trained killer so we had to shoot him dead to protect ourselves and members of the public". "That's OK Officer you were only doing your duty and following orders - walk free with your head held high".

And today the Government has waded in with an extra 20 odd million of our money to meet the shortfall from sponsorship. When's it going to end?

Welcome back Terry. I remember your Tezmarez from the old Forum; it could indeed be a very spiteful place. This new place, after some hurtful and hateful early postings, seems to be more civilised (but maybe duller).

Then when an innocent gets topped on the Tube by the Boys in Blue (actually they weren't in uniforn) the Coroner, at today's Inquest, directs the Jury that they CANNOT return an Unlawful Killing verdict. Rubber stamp get-out for all those 'just following orders'. Picture the scene sometime in the future in a former mining town in Northumberland ... Bloke quietly walking down the street, stopped by a Bobby, "your papers please", "I ain't got 'em on me", "you know it's a crime not to carry them and we've been watching you on CCTV - up against the wall", bang, bang. Some time later ... "Yes your Honour, I feared for my life and for those around me, I thought he was wired-up, so I shot him", "that's OK Officer you were only doing your duty and following orders - walk free with your head held high". Sound familiar?

Denzel - is this what you've been hiding from us?

The Board of UK Sport meet today to divi-up the funding for the various sports for 2012. All the usual suspects are likely to get whacking great shares of the dosh but other (deserving) groups will probably fare badly. Watch out for piles of dosh being heaped onto rowing, sailing, equestrian, fencing, etc. - mostly the stuff the born-rich or upper-middle class do. Elite athletics (read drug cheats) will be rewarded for their crap performance in China (4 medals only 1 gold) with loads of our money. The problem with raising the required dosh from sponsorship is that the firm (Fast Track) tasked with this can't allow those Companies who wish to donate permission to use the Olympic Rings logo. So what Company is going to give-up tons of dosh if it can't display the Rings and other Olympic logos. I don't think they can even use the word Olympic as it's copyright rests elsewhere.

I say John Barrowman can do no wrong! Unless that single complaining LISTENER has some sort of Xray eyes that can see along a radio wave how can they be offended by the ACT of him getting his todger out? And again those craven, weak-kneed, yellow-bellied Beeb bosses have caved-in and removed the broadcast from IPlayer.

"Iranian Embassey.........then...............er????" But wasn't that the Boys from Hereford? Hasn't it always been denied that Trevor Lock (for our younger viewers - the armed Bobby on the inside) shot one of the bad guys?

The first steps of the rehabilitation of Jonathan Ross happened this morning ... The Guardian gave away a sheet of Xmas wrapping paper designed by the great man himself. It's part of a series, designed by artists, actors, musicians, performers, etc., given out everyday. Excellent stuff!