Symptoms

Never miss it Denzel! However, my interest in all things Boris is down to me not voting for him ... Ken* was my man; yep, I'm a London Mag. *for the "legions of the morbidly obese, slumped in their groaning chairs whilst stuffing chocolates down their gizzards" when only watching endless soaps and never reading a decent newspaper - Ken Livingston was the former Mayor of London, ex-Leader of the wonderful GLC (Greater London Council), thorn-in-the-side of that bitch Thatcher, supporter of the Miners and victim of the slavish Tory (pause to spit) press. Younger viewers may want to Google - Thatcher; Miners.

Vibrant Secure Bucolic but then I'm sitting in my chair, like Michael Corleone, thinking about the 'old days'.

Remember what Boris Johnson (for all those who isolated themselves in the plastic world of Soap Opera and Z-List Celebs he's the Mayor of London ) called it at the Olympics ... "whiff-waff". Got a certain ring to it; I can just imagine some of the locals calling-out across Front Street - "fancy a game of whiff-waff, Geordie?".

Don't be daft Cympil, my call for rejoicing is triggered by the whole sorry saga coming to an end; it's not about what is clearly a family tragedy ... one that IMO should always remain a private affair (family & friends). My objection to this orchestrated, cynical money-grabbing festival being played-out endlessly in the media, is one of shame that there are so many gullible nobs out there who think it's all 'real'. I say folks should develop their own lives and not live them through some 'plastic' person off the telly ... they'll all be thinking East Enders & Coronation Street is real. I can just imagine legions of the morbidly obese, slumped in their groaning chairs whilst stuffing chocolates down their gizzards, believing they are somehow part of what they are viewing. Pathetic! I would expect people who know me to rejoice at me croaking to spare continued pain and suffering and not at being riddled with cancer. Shame on you Cympil. Anyway, with Easter approaching maybe Max Clifford can organise a miraculous resurrection of Saint Jade (got a nice ring to it) ... Oh, I know that's been done before but just think of the loot that could be generated this time, especially with cameras around. Just think what Christianity could have been if they had cameras.

I say "bring back Bacci's in the Market Place!" This 60's billiard hall was the place where mis-spent youth could be generated ... ah, happy days (as long as parents didn't find out)! I seem to remember he had a couple of tables at the back of the café then more upstairs in the hall, access up a narrow rickety staircase ... but maybe memory is playing tricks. Also I can't remember if Bacci is the correct spelling. Maybe others can confirm.

It's time to dig-out with the prayer mats and invoke a curse on the mackemscum and the smoggies. Seems like it'll be our only hope.

Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice ... no more wasting valuable space on the evening news. I made a crack down at the pub saying that if Tony Blair had still been Prime Minister he would have stood before the cameras and talked about "The People's Princess" ... another one. Well, what happens next? Gordon Brown appears before the cameras and ....

50 mile tailbacks as they wait to lay wreaths at Jade Goody's front door - stupid, misguided, gullible fools!

GGG wrote: "Old days: school matron (often doubling another job) dabs a bit of TCP on it and a sticky plaster; admonishes kid to be more careful. Life (and education) continue." Blimmey, kids at my school ran the risk of being plonked on the knee (or more often than not the lap) of Mr X (name withheld for legal reasons) for 'care & attention'. He always seemed very 'pleased' to offer comfort and always mentioned the bulge in his trousers was his baccy tin. TCP & sticky plaster, puh! GGG went to the softies school

Claire, why not ask the Padre who'll be drenching the nipper if he has an arrangement with any local caterer/venue - must be a common request. For something different consider a picnic if the weather's fine.

The 1960s Toon winger Alan Suddick died this weekend. I saw him for the last couple of his years at SJP before he left for Blackpool and will always remember his tricky wing play - a good player.

"Quick - let's take him from behind."

I wish she's just get on with it and put us all, and herself, out of misery. What might be a so called tragedy for her immediate family should remain just that ... private and not an obscene grab for cash. Of course, it could all be a con; once all the loot's been gathered in a quick trip to Lourdes for a miracle cure. Aye, Max Clifford's dabs are all over this one!

Monsta - Famous Grouse ... no, the memory of 1960's pulled pints of Ex ... yep. Pete, my reference to the Gordon twins was background to The Links/Middle Earth question posed after mrsvic's "quick phonecall" and subsequent posting. So Pete are you going to name names? Correction re: Corgies, it should be Korgies.

Stuart and Keith Gordon, undertakers sons from the the top of Front Street. Stuart was Head Boy at the Grammar School (1969) and later played in the Corgies, and String Driven Thing. I've been told he composes music for film & TV. Keith I think has an engineering business. I've looked at these photos and it's not clear to me that Stuart is one of them - he played guitar and electric violin. I last saw Stu (his nickname at School was Smella Gordon) in Kensington High Street, London in 1970/71. If the band is the Links, later renamed Middle Earth, they used to practice in the warehouse/garage at the rear of the undertakers yard (behind the house). They played all over in the 60's (lots of CIU Clubs) and were very popular.

Oh no! He's been turned into Parky. The censors at the Beeb have cut his nuts off ... last night's show was tame - boo! Stand-up to them Jonny.

But 3Gs, you left out the best bit ... the 'green stuff's" made from the recently killed - yum. So are all those veggies wolfing down Quorm really consumming rendered fat folk?

As an old Hippy I know what's best crumbled over shag inside a giant Rizla - or 5 Rizla Liquorice gummed together ... yummy

I, for one, defend my 'old sparring partner' monsta's right to post as much "pure sh*te and drivel", as well as his well-argued missives, as he wishes. I hope he keeps on doing it - 30,000 here we come.

On your marks "Outraged of Bedlingtonshire" the show's in the can (recording complete, ready to transmit). Light the fire, slippers on, pipe charged, draw-up the chair, switch-on tomorrow night and enjoy!

Be warned ... Quorn is the latest incarnation of Soylent Green* wafers - and we should all know what they're made from!! All this vegyness is a part of a clever plot by the Ruling Elite to con the masses out of eating meat. If successful, the scheme will ensure that the only folks able to eat meat will be members of the Boss Class. For those viewers too young to remember what Soylent Green is ... Google it.

Nothing ever changes ... my first match at St James was in 1964 - they won so I was hooked for life (as we are). Decades of mediocrity apart from Keegan's first spell (brilliant while it lasted but maybe could be described as a 'false dawn'), a few damp squibs at Wembley, and that's about it! Oh, and the glory season 1968-69. I'm afraid this is a broadly shared experience for most footy fans (real ones) nationwide ... very rare highs but mainly constant disappointment ... but we can't leave it alone; we're condemned for life. Still, it could be worse ... we could follow that rabble from that horrible dump of a town on the Durham coast - the awful mackemscum.

To paraphrase the former Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock's speech to Conference in 1985: "When a Labour Government, yes a Labour Government, is seen to scuttle round our Country en-slaving the people by taking away their liberty ..." What a disgrace - they ought to be ashamed of themselves.

After the snide headlines and story in that hateful rag at the beginning of the week, The Mail has again been shown-up as a spiteful and lying paper. Our hero WILL be having Tom Cruise on his show with Stephen Fry and Lee Evans; Franz Ferdinand will provide the music. As an added bonus our hero is to present The BAFTAS on the Beeb on the 8th Feb. Great stuff!!! I hope that "Disgusted of Royal Tumbridge Wells" and "Outraged of Bedlingtonshire", and their ilk continue to be upset.

We're still watching (and recording details of 'offenders').