Canny lass

The CIA had a vacancy for an assassin. After all background checks, interviews and tests had been completed there were three candidates left, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agent took one of the men to a big, heavy, steel door and gave him a gun. “We have to be sure that you can follow orders regardless of the circumstances”, he said. “Behind this door you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Kill her”. “No, no,” said the man, “I could never shoot my wife”. “Then you’re not the right man for the job”, said the agent. The second male candidate was given the same test. He took the gun and entered the room. Everything was quiet for five minutes, and then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried” he said, “but I just couldn’t kill my wife”. “You don’t have what it takes to be join the CIA”, said the agent. “You and your wife can go home”. Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She got the same instructions – to kill her husband. She took the gun and entered the room. Shots were heard, one after the other, then there was screaming, followed by banging, clattering and thumps against the walls. After a few minutes, everything went quiet. The door opened slowly and the woman emerged. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said – “That darned gun was loaded with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

I'll try anything once! Mind you I've never shopped for photos before.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in London ... 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Well done Linus but I think you were pipped at the post by the scientists and schoolchildren. A measly 31 sprouts wouldn't produce much methane gas! And Eggy, that 8.3kg sprout - I've grown bigger garden peas!

sad indeed. I remember that the price of corned beef went through the roof!

You're not preparing them the right way, Eggy! Prepare and boil as usual. Drain well. Chop a few slices of streaky bacon in small pieces and fry until crispy. Place the sprouts in the pan with the bacon and all the fat. Fry lightly till warmed through. Eat, lick your lips and fingers and don't forget to wipe the grease from your chin before you kiss the wife goodnight!

Brussels again for me tomorrow. Just a two day job this time so I've only got cabin luggage, therefore no room on the home journey for sprouts and the likes. Anybody want any messages delivered or buttons pressed?

In these troubled times: A prayer for the stressed Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I have killed today because they got on my nerves. And help me to be careful of whose toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me that I may always give 100% at work … 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday. Help me to remember …. When I’m having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 muscles to smile and only four to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my mum always says". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it." The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.

Me neither mercuryg.

Here’s another message for you mercuryg, this time from CL: Today I looked at 3gs contributions in just ONE forum – Chat Central – during the period 2015.01.01 -2016.07.24. 3g posted, during that time, 129 new topics. Of these 129 new topics: 31 received no response at all before 'dying'. 53 received 1-5 responses, half of which were from 3g himself, before dying like a damp squib. 17 topics elicited 6 - 10 responses, and once again half were from 3g himself. Death inevitably followed 9 topics managed to produce 11-15 responses with a significant proportion (I’d stopped counting by now) from 3g, before dying. 2 topics achieved amazing 15-20 responses – again quite a few by 3g. Again, death was unavoidable 12 topics actually produced a response in excess of 25 and some of them are, to a degree, still breathing/gasping for breath. Now, that’s all very boring, I know (numbers always are). However, what caught my eye was that, for the most part, the only people who bother to respond to 3g are you and I. I think there is something to be learned from the above figures. If we stop responding then he won’t have anybody to talk to. Should he continue to slag off my muslim friends on this site then I think it’s perfectly in order that they, and I, make a formal complaint and ask that the site be monitored for hate speech. You can mail me on puttevanilla@gmail.com (as can anybody else) should you have any comments. Do not direct message me. It only causes outbursts of the type just witnessed. Ps Absolutely nothing wrong with your understanding of grammar ('they' replaces the whole nominal phrase). However, some people would do well to learn that 'future' is an uncountable noun which cannot take the plural 's'.

Here’s another message for you mercuryg, this time from CL: Today I looked at 3gs contributions in just ONE forum – Chat Central – during the period 2015.01.01 -2016.07.24. 3g posted, during that time, 129 new topics. Of these 129 new topics: 31 received no response at all before 'dying'. 53 received 1-5 responses, half of which were from 3g himself, before dying like a damp squibt. 17 topics elicited 6 - 10 responses, and once again half were from 3g himself. Death inevitably followed 9 topics managed to produce 11-15 responses with a significant proportion (I’d stopped counting by now) from 3g, before dying. 2 topics achieved amazing 15-20 responses – again quite a few by 3g. Again, death was inevitable 12 topics actually produced a response in excess of 25 and some of them are, to a degree, still breathing. Now, that’s all very boring, I know (numbers always are). However, what caught my eye was that, for the most part, the only people who bother to respond to 3g are you and I. I think there is something to be learned from the above figures. If we stop responding then he won’t have anybody to talk to. Should he continue to slag off my muslim friends on this site then I think it’s perfectly in order that they, and I, make a formal complaint and ask that the site be monitored for hate speech. You can mail me on puttevanilla@gmail.com (as can anybody else) should you have any comments. Do not direct message me. It only causes outbursts of the type just witnessed.

You have as much verbal eloquence as anybody else here - except perhaps HPW. Your education I don't know about but you are clearly intelligent so don't under estimate your contributions. I also have problems with Islamic ideology, but only with SOME aspects of it, but then again, I have problems with SOME aspects of Christianity as well. Ask yourself just what it is in Islamic ideology that you are against. Is it ALL of it (much of it is the same as Christian ideology)? Is it part of it? Is it perhaps just something that you've got hung up on like a near 2000 year old story of a man taking a child bride? Or perhaps the activity of a handful of extremist Muslims - I know, it may seem like more than a handful but of the entire Muslim population it is not more than so (Christianity has had it's fair share of slaughterers too). Ask yourself how much you really know about it. Have you studied it? Have you read their holy book? Have you read the bible to enable you to make comparisons? Have you taken a course of study on Islam? Ask yourself: How much do I really know about Islam? You don't have to answer publicly but be honest with yourself. Mind control, in varying degrees, appears in all religions I've had a look at. It hasn't been terribly successful: Some catholics practice birth control and when it doesn't work they have abortions - despite the Hell that awaits them for their sins - some Jews do not respect the sabbath, some muslims do not cover their hair. Religions do not appear to be for life if you don't want it to be. Mind control already started to lost its impact when torture chambers disappeared. Most people are no longer afraid of their religious leader as they were before. The same thing is happening within Islam. I don't know how many Muslim friends you have. It's none of my business either, so I'll not ask. I have five very close friends who are Muslim (and through them about 25 others, not so close but friends never the less). Some live in sweden, some live in England and one lives in Holland. They, and their parents, dress like me, style their hair like me, eat like me, go out and enjoy themselves like me and they visit their designated place of worship as often as I do (christenings, weddings, funerals). There is nothing in either their dress or their behaviour to make me think that they are more Muslim than I am Christian. You are probably rubbing shoulders on a daily basis with hundreds of 'Muslims' who no longer follow the rituals of Islam just as you are probably rubbing shoulders with hundreds of 'Christians' who no longer follow the rituals of the Church of England.

Eggy, There's nothing like information straight from the horses mouth. Thank everybody on FB for me. That b&w photo answers all my questions, What a nightmare it must have been and thank heavens I didn't ask about toilet facilities underground!

I'm in Brussels again next week. I think I'll ask to be paid in dollars this time.

Thanks Vic and HPW. We are so lucky here to have access to all your mining knowledge! As for the bean-can, I am delighted to have now found out what it is. I've only ever seen it on pictures but in my naivety I've always thought it was some kind of bait-box! Which brings me to another question: Where do miners keep, and eat, their 'bait' when underground? Surely, you can't have a 'canteen' underground. Another thing that was interesting to read was how the bean-can worked - by converting carbon monoxide to carbon dioxide. Many people think that carbon dioxide is dangerous, but back in the 70's when barbiturate drugs were dished out like Dolly Mixtures (remember them?), for insomnia, respiratory difficulties caused by overdosing were treated with carbon dioxide. - not oxygen as - carbon dioxide is what stimulates the repiratory centre in the brain.

Still no luck but thanks for trying, Moe.

Are you poaching on my patch? Just joking. Feel free! Now that we are officially 'cohorts' you are welcome. Maybe we should apply for joint custody of Mary's little, white, fluffy lamb?

For some reason the site will no longer allow me to view. It says the film is not authorised to be shown in my country:

I understand that you are feeling a degree of irritation. Cycling has never really appealed to me for some reason but my old man loves it - 30-40 km, 5 times a week. I'm a running and swimming kind of girl myself - no need for gyms when I have the forests and the lakes, far away from the exhaust fumes od suberbia. An added advantage is no pool costs and no gym costs and it's right on my doorstep. Do you engage in any other sports or is it just cycling?

I feel the vibes of your happiness and am happy for you.

I’m sensing a feeling of desperation. I understand. Perhaps a walk or a cycle ride would help release some pent up tensions? What’s your opinion on exercise btw? Do you think it’s is all it’s cracked up to be? It’s beggared my knees, and there was I thinking I was ‘keeping myself fit’.

I’m sensing a feeling of exasperation. I understand. Should we try a spot of fishing perhaps? They seem to be biting extremely well today.