Canny lass

... and, just to get us back on topic: A middle-aged couple are getting ready for bed. The wife, standing naked in front of a full length mirror, says: “Sweetheart, I see an old woman in the mirror. My face is wrinkled, my boobs are hanging down to my waist, and my backside is sagging a mile. I’ve got fat legs and bat wings under my arms”. Turning to her man she says: “Say something positive about me so I feel better”. “Well”, he answers, “at least there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight”.

Heaven knows how long the cornflake joke has been collecting dust on my computer, but it was written in Danish so it's probably been a while. Can't think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon! There are researchers who devote their life to the study of verbal insults. I've only nudged the subject but remember those few lectures (Prof. Lars Gunnar Andersson) as some of the funniest I've ever listened to. I don't hink I've ever paid so much attention in my life - which is odd considering my 'biological' defects. Swear words became a focus point for me only from a grammatical point of view, in particular their pragmatic restrictions. Have you ever noticed that certain swear words can only be used in certain situations? Listen to any immigrant's use of swear words. It's actually quite difficult to get their placement right. I had a bit of difficulty here with the 'degree' of insult (not that I'm prone to swearing - much). Insults which an Englishman would consider mild, 'go to H.-ll', for instance, are considerd the most disgusting of all here - equivalent to the Engish f-word. While the English language has gone full circle from sexual insults to religious insults and then back to sexual insults, we haven't progressed beyond the religious. However, there's great concern that this is now happening among the present generation of youngsters who are adopting the English sexual swear words - and using them in all the wrong places!

Sorry Mr Robinson! Please may we have a picture, so we know just what we've been poking fun at?

I'm so happy you can have two today! A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone and asks him if he’d like to come over and help her with a giant puzzle which she’s found. - What’s it supposed to be when it’s fineshed? he asks. - According to the picture on the box it’s a cockrel, she replies. - OK. I’ll be over in half an hour, he says. She let’s him in when he arrives and shows him all the pieces on the table. He looks at them for a while, then he looks at the box, then he says: - It doesn’t matter what we do, we’ll never be able to put the pieces together to make anything that even remotely resembles a cockrel. He takes her hand and continues: - So, let’s have a cup of tea and then we’ll put all these cornflakes back in the box.

I'm so happy, I almost forgot today's joke: The day the penis asked for a pay rise: I, the penis, herewith request a rise in pay for the following reasons. I do physical work which includes working at great depths. I’m not afraid of hard work and dive in head-first in everything I do. I work many unsocial hours, including night shift, weekends, bank- and public holidays. I also work in the dark in a very confined space with poor ventilation, damp conditions and very often high temperatures. Furthermore, my job has an ever present risk for infectious diseases. Yours faithfully P. Niss Reply: Dear P. Niss, I have read your letter and must inform you that your request can not be granted, for the following reasons: You do not work an 8 hour shift and you fall asleep directly after your few short efforts. You do not always follow management directives – preferring often to do your own thing – and neither do you keep to your own area of work. On several occasions you have been seen in other’s areas. Furthermore, you are lacking in initiative and need much motivation and encouragement if you are to get started at all. At the end of your shift you leave your place of work in a mess and you do not always respect the safety rules regarding protective clothing. You can’t manage to work a double shift and on occasions you leave your place of work before the job in hand is completed. The general consensus of opinion is that you will be on your pension before the age of 65 years. And, as if that’s not enough, you have – on several occasions – been seen to leave your place of work with two very suspicious looking sacks. Yours faithfully V. Gina

I am a very happy woman!!!

Sjöström, 55.84, 100m fly - new olympic record in the semis. Whoopee!!!!! Don't anybody dare to tell me the results of tomorrow's final before I've had a chance to see it.

A couple came to the doctor’s surgery. He asked what they needed help with: “Could you watch while we make love?” asks the man. The doctor is a bit taken aback but, being a doctor, he agrees. When it’s all over, he informs the couple that everything seems OK and no abnormalities have been noted. They pay the fee, £15, and leave. At regular intervals, this same couple appear at the surgery with the same request. They make love, without any problems, while the doctor observes, they pay his fee, £15, and leave. Finally the doctor asks them just what they think the problem is and why they want him to watch. The man replies: “Really, we don’t have any problem with our love-making. However, she is married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to my house. To hire a cottage costs £80, and a hotel room costs £55. Here, I only pay £15 and I can claim part of that back from the social. And besides that, you are sworn to secrecy.

You seem to have a real knack for finding trouble!

Who would want to win an upside-down poster?

is the computer plugged in?

That's a nice little glimpse into the past, Brian. Welcome to the forum.

I had a similar problem for almost a year! Crossins oot an capital letters aal ower the place.

... and just what makes you think you'll be able to get your hands on anything as 'foreign' as Martini come tthe day?

I have more interesting things to do on dark nights (woollies to be knitted, blankets to be crotcheted, that sort of thing)! However, for some reason unknown to me, a joke book is a standard fitting in most bathrooms/WC.s here. TRUE! The selection you are being hit with at the minute is the result of my cleaning up my computer. Most are not in English but I'm trying to translate one a day to share before it finds its way into the wastepaper basket. I think we could all do with a good laugh but scream if it gets to be too much.

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big birthday treat by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the receptionist handed her a bill for £250.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just one overnight stay without a breakfast." The receptionist told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the receptionist, announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." 'But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-house shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" The Manager was unmoved by her pleas, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

You never miss what you give to a friend. Paste away, Malcolm! Very funny that - a buccaneer!

Down here as well, Pete.

I think somebody mentioned Guinness .... The directors of Heineken, Budweiser, Guinness and Carlsberg are playing golf one afternoon. After the 18th hole they meet up at the club house. The waitress takes their order: “A bottle of Carlsberg, probably the best beer in the world”, says the Carlsberg director. “A cold Heineken, which REALLY is the best beer in the world”, says the Heineken director. “A bottle of Budweiser”, USA’s best-selling beer”, says the Budweiser director. I’ll have a Coca-cola”, says the Guinness director, “If they’re not drinking beer, I’ll not either”.

I'm agog with anticipation!

You're forgiven, but only cos you had such a good excuse!

Haemoglobin? Sh! Wasn't Virén Finnish?

A little boy and his father were at the chemist shop and just happen to go past a stand with condoms. The boy studies them for a while and then asks his father who would need a pack of three. “Those are for teenagers” he answered, “one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday”. “Then, who would need the pack of six?” asked the boy. “Probably university students” replied his father, “two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday”. The boy continues looking at the different packages and his eyes become as big as organ stops when he sees a pack of twelve: “Who on earth would need a pack of twelve!” he asks. “Those packs are for married men, son”, his father replies, “one for January, one for February ……

At last, the great day is about to dawn - opening ceremony tomorrow! Has everybody stocked up with beer, crisps, pop-corn and the likes? Everybody got their ring-side seats booked in front of the telly? I’m not so sure that Svea has a terribly strong line-up this time round but my money’s on swimming and hurdles. Women’s football squad is looking good too. One or two names to watch out for are: Sara Sjöström, freestyle and butterfly Susanna Kallur, 100m hurdles Michel Tornéus, long jump - could be a bit of a dark horse (no pun intended) And, I’d love to see Therese Alshammar on the prize podium this time around. She’s got a few years behind her now but I think she just gets stronger and stronger. It’s her 6th Olympics and it might be our last chance to see her in action at this level. Go for it girl! What are the hopes and dreams of the British team?