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webtrekker

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Posts posted by webtrekker


  1. Northumbria Police have just announced the discovery of a cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles, 20,000 rounds of ammunition, a large quantity of heroin, £20m in bank-notes and 12 Eastern European prostitutes in the store room of a public library in Bedlington.

    Local residents expressed their shock, with a community spokesman saying, "We're absolutely stunned by this. We never realised we had a library."


  2. A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

    The guy leaves.

    A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

    A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

    The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

    A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

    The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

    Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"


  3. Bloke buys a Geordie parrot but gets sick of it saying 'Aa'm from the toon and Aa'm hard as !*!@# ' so he puts a kestrel in its cage. Next morning he finds the kestral dead and the parrot says, 'Aa'm from the toon and Aa'm hard as !*!@# .' So the bloke puts a golden eagle in the cage. Next morning he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers. As he looks in the cage the parrot says, 'Had to tek me coat off for that f**ka...'


  4. Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

    The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

    On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

    "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

    "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

    "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

    "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

    "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

    "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

    "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your a*** before prison..................


  5. A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

    She calls on little Ralphy.

    He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

    The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

    Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

    There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

    One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

    The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

    The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

    Which one is married?'

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

    To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


  6. A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

    Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.

    Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told.

    'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed.

    Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

    Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. that why you not haf sex or dates.'

    The worried woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

    Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'


  7. In the line at the supermarket, the operator told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day.â€

    The operator responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."

    She was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

    Back then, they returned their milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles. They were sent back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and refilled, so the same bottles could be used over and over. So they really were recycled.

    But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.

    In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the shops and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two streets.

    But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

    Back then, they washed the baby's nappis because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 240 volts – wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

    But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

    Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a hankerchief, not a screen the size of Wembly Stadium. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you.

    When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

    Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

    But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.

    They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

    But they didn't have the green thing back then.

    Back then, people took walked or took a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or took the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza place.

    But isn't it sad, the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?

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