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Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

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Puns:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my Electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain , they name him 'Juan'; the other went to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super

calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Security status:

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

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There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dik tastes like crap

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

Edited by BAT_MAN

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Irishman drags a huge box down to the Antiques roadshow in Dublin.

He tells the expert it has been in his loft for fourty years and suspects it is a family heirloom.

"Are you insured?" asks the expert

"No, do you think I should be?" asks the irishman

"Yes" says the expert "Its your water tank"

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An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid; as she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting: at the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says 'no'; he then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she reluctantly agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for

$200: she remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner.. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia: 'Melbourne', he tells her. 'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies. 'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' 'Cameo Street' he replies.

'This is unbelievable...' she says, her voice quavering; 'What number?' 'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

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A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. !*[email protected]# ! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. !*[email protected]# ! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." !*[email protected]# ! He turned into a box of chocolates.

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A blonde, brunette and redhead all decide to participate in the swimming of the English channel.

They all decided to do the same stroke as it would be fair and they should all finish at the same time. Not wanting to lose energy quickly, they chose breast stroke.

They all started and a few hours later, the brunette arrives on land, tired.

The next one to complete it, was the redhead, a couple of hours behind the brunette.

Lastly, 6 hours after the brunette had arrived, the blonde clambers on shore, absolutely exhausted.

When the TV crew arrived, they asked her why she took so long, she replied: "Not to be a sore loser or anything but I'm pretty sure I saw the other two using their arms."

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two cannibals are eating a clown when one cannibal says "does this taste funny to you" :lol:

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Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm

gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,

'You'd better think it over Bob, women like that are hard to find.'

:o:angry:

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Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

- What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

- Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

- What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

- Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

- Tiger should have used a driver.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and a Tiger Seal?

None - They were both clubbed by a Norwegian.

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Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay

with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened

to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched

him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.."

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The first man married a woman from China, he

told her that she was to do their dishes and house

cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third

day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes

washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy; he

gave his wife orders that she was to do all the

cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he

didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it

was better. By the third day, he saw his house was

clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge

dinner on the table.

The third man married a Geordie girl from

Newcastle. He ordered her to keep the house

cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry

done, and hot food on the table for every meal. On

the first day he didn't see anything, the second day

he didn't see anything but by the third day, some

of the swelling had gone down and he could see a

little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed

enough for him to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

  • Like 2

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The first man married a woman from China, he

told her that she was to do their dishes and house

cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third

day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes

washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy; he

gave his wife orders that she was to do all the

cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he

didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it

was better. By the third day, he saw his house was

clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge

dinner on the table.

The third man married a Geordie girl from

Newcastle. He ordered her to keep the house

cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry

done, and hot food on the table for every meal. On

the first day he didn't see anything, the second day

he didn't see anything but by the third day, some

of the swelling had gone down and he could see a

little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed

enough for him to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

:lol: :lol:

In reality, it should have read `by the third day, some

of the swelling had gone down and he could see a

little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed

enough for him to remove the lawn mower from his jacksy, fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.` :lol:

  • Like 1

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:lol: :lol:

In reality, it should have read `by the third day, some

of the swelling had gone down and he could see a

little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed

enough for him remove the lawn mower from his jacksy, fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.` :lol:

:lol:

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:lol: :lol:

In reality, it should have read `by the third day, some

of the swelling had gone down and he could see a

little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed

enough for him remove the lawn mower from his jacksy, fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.` :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Alternative to vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was

enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't

strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife

didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that

would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it,

put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest whacker in

the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next

to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held

the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which

point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could

continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesborough, Ashington, Blyth, parts of Bradford ,

anywhere in Wales and Ireland , most of the southern States of USA, and

Mexico ..

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A chemist walks back into his shop to find a man slumped against a wall. What's wrong with him he asks his assistant? He came in for a cough bottle so I gave him those extra strong laxatives we had for years. You stupid bozo cries the chemist you can't treat a cough with laxatives. Course you can said the assistant he daren't cough now!

A man cooks deer for his family but won't tell them what it is.

The only clue he gives the kids is that it is what Mum calls him sometimes.

The little girl cries out 'Don't eat it, it's an !*[email protected]# !'

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A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and

says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye HIV ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him

over the top of her glasses and says,

'!*[email protected]# off, ye'll no bring it back!'

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A short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says.. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home."

He continues, crying even harder. "Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

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An american, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a coloured gentleman are on top of the Eifel tower.

The American throws a wad of money over the edge. the rest look in amazment and ask "why did you do that?"

"In America, we have so much money, i can afford to!"

So the Frenchman follows suit, and throws of 2 cases of wine.

The coloured Gentleman looks at the Englishman and says:

"Dont even THINK about it!"

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eh a divint get it? is it because theres to many coloured people in the uk or because there are two many alchies? :blink:

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