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Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)


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The following are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATT

You forgot to add watching the wedding video in reverse, the bride walking up the aisle, getting into the taxi and going back to her mother

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Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.

I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,

'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,

'It is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,

'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,

'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,

the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his

scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim

experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, once again, the word is STERNUM!"

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How the fight started:

I rear-ended a car this morning on the way to work.

I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car and wouldn't you know it, he was a dwarf.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said "I'm NOT f*#%ing happy!"

So I said "Well, which f*#%ing one are you then?"

And that's how the fight started......

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A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible

sunburn,

specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed

with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,

electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for

him, Doctor"?

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll

keep

the sheets off his legs."

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man says to wife put ya coat on me you and the dog are going fishing wife replies i don't want to go fishing so he gives her 3 options fishing blow job or take it up the !*!@# she gets on her knees and starts sucking this tastes like !*!@# she says he replied yeah dog didn't fancy going fishing either

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man says to wife put ya coat on me you and the dog are going fishing wife replies i don't want to go fishing so he gives her 3 options fishing blow job or take it up the !*!@# she gets on her knees and starts sucking this tastes like !*!@# she says he replied yeah dog didn't fancy going fishing either

:lol::lol::lol:

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A letter from scout camp

Dear Mum & Dad , Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case

you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our

tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got

drowned

because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it

happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't

write

because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue

jeeps.

It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't

been

for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike

alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was

during

the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put

gas

on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of

the

tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird

until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster

Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The

brakes

worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that

old

you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't

get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it

dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets

pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns

riding in the trailer until the police man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy.

Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to

drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see

up

there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off

the

rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me

because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his

cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us

take

the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under

the

water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some

scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to

spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him

any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.

When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a

tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it

probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they

got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out

and

became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things

done

better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I

have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more

beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's

my

turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love,

Jimmie

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  • 3 weeks later...

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping naked on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old !*!@# ?"

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"Your name never came up," she replied.

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way The old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's Nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday Night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash Him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his Legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I Would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John Guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to Salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old *******" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years.

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A truck driver is cruising towards Sydney when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little man what's wrong.

"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry", sobs the little man.

"Well", says the truckie, "I can offer you a cheese sandwich, but that's as much as I can do".

He passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man the middle of the road, crying.

So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is "I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty", the little man bawls.

So the truckie says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as can do."

He hands a tin of Coke down to the little man and drives off.

A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road.

Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps "Yes, you silly little blue queer, what !*!@# planet are you from and what do you want?"

And the little blue man answers, "Your driver's license, please..."

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Q. What is the real reason behind the divorce of Paul McCartney and Heather Mills?

A. He was lack-toes intolerant!!!!LOLZ!!!11!!!!!!!ONLY1LEGSEE?!!!!!!!1!1!!!!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

You`re on form tonight :lol:

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  • 4 weeks later...

I staggered out of the pub and down the street, until I was stopped by a policeman.

He said, "Where do you think you're going in that state?"

I replied, "I'm going to a lecture."

He said, "Yeah, right. Who gives a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife," I said. :lol:

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Newcastle FC have apparently set up a call centre for fans. Who are troubled by there latest form.

The number is 0800 10 10 10

Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.

Once again the number is

0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

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Newcastle FC have apparently set up a call centre for fans. Who are troubled by there latest form.

The number is 0800 10 10 10

Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.

Once again the number is

0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

Fire brigade phones Kevin Kegan in the early hours of Sunday morning...

"Kevin, St James Park is on fire!"

"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies kegan.

"Well...the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

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Fire brigade phones Kevin Kegan in the early hours of Sunday morning...

"Kevin, St James Park is on fire!"

"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies kegan.

"Well...the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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  • Andy Millne changed the title to Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

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