Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

Whey aye............

 

 

[Canny lass]

Well, it certainly brightened my day!

[Canny lass]

 

Sorry! I had to delete it as the photographs did not appear.

Edited February 2, 2016 by Canny lass
Contained photographs which didn't appear when posted

[Canny lass]

Here's another one instead:

A cardiologist died, and was given an elaborate funeral.  A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.

 

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.

 

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.  When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry.  I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

 

The  proctologist fainted !!

[Malcolm Robinson]

But what a way to go cannylass...............................

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Mathew Corbett in hiding - Harry's grave to be moved

[Brian Cross]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her knickers and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen a man!'

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[Malcolm Robinson]

A racist walks into a crowded bar. He looks around and sees a black man sitting in a corner.

The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces, “I’m going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that black guy over there!” Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the last pint, the black man turns around, puts his thumb up and says, “Thanks mate!”

The racist is slightly puzzled by his reaction but doesn’t pay too much attention to it.

The next night, the racist goes into the same bar and again, there is a black guy sitting in the corner, so the man, again, goes to the bar, turns around and says, “I’m going to buy everyone here a free drink, except for that black guy over there!” The patrons are all ecstatic and are hugging and cheering the racist for his generosity.

When he buys the last pint, the black guy turns around, puts his thumb up and says, “Thanks mate!”

The racist scratches his head and asks the barman, “Why is that black guy thanking me when he’s the only person I’m not buying drinks for?”

“Well” the barman responds, “he owns this place.”

[Brian Cross]

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins”.

[Malcolm Robinson]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.”

As the speck got closer he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a wet suit.

Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigarettes and a lighter. He took a cigarette, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.

“Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “This is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Jameson’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

‘Tis the nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. “Tis truly fantastic!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

[Ovalteeny]

GOTTA PEE   

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however 
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. 

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them. 

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. 

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that. 

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to Go home. 

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" 

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said...... 

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "

 

[moe19]

Fanny Cradock was a  huge success as a TV cook in the seventies or was it the sixties, many companies thought linking  her name to its products  was a sure winner

Of course  in the sixties and seventies we were all more naive, and the double  Innuendo had not been invented

 

.

 

[threegee]

56 minutes ago, moe19 said:

Of course  in the sixties and seventies we were all more naive, and the double  Innuendo had not been invented

You may not have followed Round the Horne then!  It's just that the innuendo in those days went right over way the heads of the sfuffed-shirt establishment and was so much more hilarious for this!  Those in the establishment who did get it - clearly not Mary Whitehouse - had the good sense to keep their mouths shut.  In fact it was so cutting edge that you got gems like this:

Quote

...Sandy and Julian that occasionally made shrewd social points. As solicitors, running a firm called Bona Law, they announce at one point: "We've got a criminal practice that takes up most of our time."

-- Guardian

Try that sort of thing in these PC days you luvvies; especially if you are one of those threatened with prison (Kenneth Williams)!

Fanny was brilliantly lampooned by the late great Betty Marsden (as Fanny Haddock), at a time women weren't supposed to do that sort of thing.  This has recently been revived by Kate Brown in Round the Horn Revisited - a must-see for anyone that believes their more recent generation invented satire.

...and, yes, I do realise the irony in your post! 

[moe19]

Loved round the horn, its still available  to listen to.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00c7q4l/episodes/player

[threegee]

Unfortunately a lot of the jokes are at the expense of important people of the time now semi-forgotten like Eamonn Andrews (not Archie!), and it's hard to convey just how formal and respectful things were in those days.

Of course RTH went too far, and had to be reigned in when they started to lampoon non-entertainment figures.  Those were the days when you didn't ask politicians awkward questions even though you knew exactly what those awkward questions were.  Everyone "knew their place" and the boundaries - as epitomised by the TWTWTW class sketch.

 

 

[Malcolm Robinson]

A cab driver picked up a nun. She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.

She asked him why he was staring. He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.

The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”

[Brian Cross]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down.

 

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

 

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. "Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top." "No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

 

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

 

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue. Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

 

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

 

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

 

[Brian Cross]

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[Brian Cross]

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales ".

"Why do you think that ?" he said.

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says

"stit ruoy su wohS".

[Malcolm Robinson]

  A very  pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammer’s Action Group.

      She had  tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.

 

      Finally, totally exasperated, she said:

      “If  any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex

with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

 

       The Englishman immediately piped up: “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham," he said.

      “That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

 

       The  Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out: “G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow."

       “That’s no better either, Hamish."

 

       “Now, how about you, Paddy?”

        The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out: “London.”

       “Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and she immediately set about living up to her promise.

 

       After 15  minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said:

        “ …. d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry". 

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

How to pose with statues :-

 

[Canny lass]

Smart answers:

A teacher at  West Australian (hand on heart, that's the way it was told to me) university reminded her students of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your family, but that's it. No other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-@rsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked "What if I come in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand".

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

 
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THESE:
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. 
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.  
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.  
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.  
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.  
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.  
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors 
Everyone  replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot 
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.  
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt,for a 10. 
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.  
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts  
It's not a gimme if you're still 5 feet away.  
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree..  
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time  
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. 
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.  
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. 
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe  
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.  
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph , handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.  
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.  
Hazards attract; fairways repel.  Keep this in mind
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.  
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint  
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. 
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.  
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends  
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.  
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.  
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.  
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).   
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart, if you are performing Brain Surgery !!!!

 

[Ovalteeny]

Derek Firth is on his death bed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London. 

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realise the extent of his holdings.

As Derek slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. Firth , my deepest condolences. 

Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property¦...

"Property?", she replies. "The bugger had a window cleaning round."