Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

Brian, you can't take the mick out of our sovereign......game old gall that she is.......

[Malcolm Robinson]

Aussies, strew mate,

[Malcolm Robinson]

Four guys have been going to the same moose camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site

only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday."

"Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said. 'guess Who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

[Brian Cross]

Brian, you can't take the mick out of our sovereign......game old gall that she is.......

No Insult intended just a funny joke

[Brian Cross]

British understatement at it's best

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire

length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well

dressed, middle-aged, French woman's female poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular:

'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was

under that dog..

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little

dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!

This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem

to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong

side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

[Brian Cross]

A true Bundy Rum Fishing Story

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish!

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown (For you overseas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth) with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

[Malcolm Robinson]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[bediesathome]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[bediesathome]

i am very well thank you . more so on a winter night when i receive one of your great jokes .you brighten up the day.

[Brian Cross]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a

sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's

farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the

word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City

and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,

That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she

had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word

'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but

her txxs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find economic migrants have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the economic migrants cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry.

However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة

> الانتاج 80 من

>الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20

[Brian Cross]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners ... the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room,"and Gentlemen, please remember -- you're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yesâ€, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?â€

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught

[Malcolm Robinson]

Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."

"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Malcolm Robinson]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him of the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me…"

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault, today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years…"

[Brian Cross]

Broccoli Casserole

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for

Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is

very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks

to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas

pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other

choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a

dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the !*!@# .

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her

boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been

snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather

stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came

across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the

pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder

and longerrrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A

few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.

This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

'Skippy, get away from her, before she shxxts on you!'

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[Andy Millne]

Apple CEO is in the UK recruiting people originally from The Middle East.

Bloody Jobs coming over here and stealing our Muslims!

[John Fox (foxy)]

A ventriloquest in the local club says "ALL IRISHMEN ARE STUPID" a guy in the audience stands up and says I'm irish and I'm not stupid! The ventriloquest says "I'M SORRY SIR I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND,IT'S ONLY PART OF MY ACT! the guy says "I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU I'M TALKING TO THAT LITTLE T**** ON YOUR KNEE!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Well done foxy, keep em coming.......

[Malcolm Robinson]

Working people frequently ask retired people what

they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I

went into town and visited a shop. We were only in

there for about 5 minutes. When we came out,

there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,

how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started

writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a !*!@# head. He finished the

second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it

and went home. We try to have a little fun each day

now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Some women take their husbands philandering far too personally………..

[Brian Cross]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

[Brian Cross]

The First Christmas Joke - and it's Scottish..........

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!â€and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

[Brian Cross]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to

recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level

from

"Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised

yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not

been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly

ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A

Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody

Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish

Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pxxxxd Off"

to "Let's get the Bxxxxxds". They don't have any other levels.

This

is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British

army for the last 300 years.

The French government

announced yesterday that it has raised

its terror alert level from

"Run" to "Hide". The only two higher

levels in France are "Collaborate"

and "Surrender". The rise was

precipitated by a recent fire that

destroyed France's white flag

factory, effectively paralyzing the

country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert

level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change

Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state

from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching

Songs".

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and

"Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as

usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out

of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their

new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass

bottoms so

the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old

Spanish

navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are

carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in

case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels because everyone

is

high and can't be bothered.

New Zealand has

raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing

defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one

more level of escalation,

which is "I hope Australia will come and

rescue

us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from

"No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation

levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie

this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has

ever warranted use of the final escalation

level.

[Brian Cross]

One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started

Inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck, eh!!'

[Brett]

I was out in the car with the girlfriend the other day when I got pulled over by the police.

The policeman bent over and stuck his head in the window.

"You been drinking son?"

To which I replied

"She's not that fat is she officer?"