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Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)


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The following are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATT

You forgot to add watching the wedding video in reverse, the bride walking up the aisle, getting into the taxi and going back to her mother

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about how bad women are at driving. The woman says, "But just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're

unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered and thinking he's in there, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!" But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in

agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.

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A sunday driver was out in the countryside in his yellow Robin Reliant when it suddenly spluttered to a halt. popping the bonnet, he saw what the problem was, but could do nothing to fix it. how glad was he that he had joined the RAC just the week before!

reaching into his 'car' he grabbed the mobile phone and dialed for assistance....no signal. He tried in vain to get as high up as possible, but to no avail, so he decided to sit and wait on a passing motorist for assistance.

After about 30 minutes he hears an approaching engine, getting louder and louder it sounded like whoever it was was in a real hurry!

over the brow of the hill came a red ferarri, which came skidding to a halt a few yards infront of the robin.

"need a hand?" asked the ferarri driver, "could do with a lift to town" replied the stranded man.

"well, i only have the 2 seats, and as you can see, they are taken right now, but i do have a tow rope if you need a tow" says the ferarri driver.

"Not a chance! i've seen how you drive!" replied the strandee

"come on, i promise i wont go fast, in fact, well agree a signal so you can tell me if i'm going too fast. If you want me to go faster, put on your left hand indicator, slower, put your right hand indicator, and if theirs a problem and you want me to stop, flash your headlights"

The strandee thinks for a moment: i am stranded, and that does sound like a plan...what choice do i have?

"Ok, but you had better not go fast!" he decides.

they hook up the tow rope, and set off at a slow speed.

'this isnt too bad' thinks the strandee, 'i think we can speed up a little!' and he puts on his left indicator.

they go to 30, 40, 50, 55 MPH and he sticks to it when the indicator is cancelled.

after another few minutes he thinks 'this is about as fast as this can go, this is my chance to break its reacord!' and puts on the indicator again.

60, 65, 70, 75, 80-just then he hears VVVVVRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

A motorcycle wooshes past at an amazing speed.

Meanwhile the ferarri driver is pleased the strandee got past his nerves, and got up to a decent speed, but all this goes out of his mind as the bike goes past, and he floors it after it.

Pc plod and his new rookie are sitting beside the road measuring speeds next to a small village with a 30 zone. The pc has his feet up, letting the rookie watch the radar gun. "29 sir" the rookie says. "Yeah yeah" says the pc, and pulls his cap over his eyes.

"32 sir, should we go for it?" asks the rookie

"no, we should not! give them a break, and dont bother me again unless its an over 40er"

"ok sir" replies the rookie.

VVVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

the bike flies thru the speed trap

"Sir Sir, 157MPH!!!" the rookie says exitedly

"Boy! what do you think this is, a rocket? how in hells name are we ment to catch a bike doing 157mph in a ford fiesta?" he says "now dont bother me unless its something we have a chance of catching, you stupid boy!" and settles back down

VVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!

the ferarri passes

"sir, your not gonna believe this!" says the rookie

"what now?" the pc says

"a red ferarri has just went by doing 193mph....."

"FOR GODS SAKE BOY! how are we gonna catch that???" the pc shouts

"No, no, thats not all" says the rookie

"what then?" asks the pc

"behind it was a robin reliant, and it was right behind the ferarri, flashing its lights and indicating to overtake!!"

Highlight to reveal answer!!

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A sunday driver was out in the countryside in his yellow Robin Reliant when it suddenly spluttered to a halt. popping the bonnet, he saw what the problem was, but could do nothing to fix it. how glad was he that he had joined the RAC just the week before!

reaching into his 'car' he grabbed the mobile phone and dialed for assistance....no signal. He tried in vain to get as high up as possible, but to no avail, so he decided to sit and wait on a passing motorist for assistance.

After about 30 minutes he hears an approaching engine, getting louder and louder it sounded like whoever it was was in a real hurry!

over the brow of the hill came a red ferarri, which came skidding to a halt a few yards infront of the robin.

"need a hand?" asked the ferarri driver, "could do with a lift to town" replied the stranded man.

"well, i only have the 2 seats, and as you can see, they are taken right now, but i do have a tow rope if you need a tow" says the ferarri driver.

"Not a chance! i've seen how you drive!" replied the strandee

"come on, i promise i wont go fast, in fact, well agree a signal so you can tell me if i'm going too fast. If you want me to go faster, put on your left hand indicator, slower, put your right hand indicator, and if theirs a problem and you want me to stop, flash your headlights"

The strandee thinks for a moment: i am stranded, and that does sound like a plan...what choice do i have?

"Ok, but you had better not go fast!" he decides.

they hook up the tow rope, and set off at a slow speed.

'this isnt too bad' thinks the strandee, 'i think we can speed up a little!' and he puts on his left indicator.

they go to 30, 40, 50, 55 MPH and he sticks to it when the indicator is cancelled.

after another few minutes he thinks 'this is about as fast as this can go, this is my chance to break its reacord!' and puts on the indicator again.

60, 65, 70, 75, 80-just then he hears VVVVVRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

A motorcycle wooshes past at an amazing speed.

Meanwhile the ferarri driver is pleased the strandee got past his nerves, and got up to a decent speed, but all this goes out of his mind as the bike goes past, and he floors it after it.

Pc plod and his new rookie are sitting beside the road measuring speeds next to a small village with a 30 zone. The pc has his feet up, letting the rookie watch the radar gun. "29 sir" the rookie says. "Yeah yeah" says the pc, and pulls his cap over his eyes.

"32 sir, should we go for it?" asks the rookie

"no, we should not! give them a break, and dont bother me again unless its an over 40er"

"ok sir" replies the rookie.

VVVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

the bike flies thru the speed trap

"Sir Sir, 157MPH!!!" the rookie says exitedly

"Boy! what do you think this is, a rocket? how in hells name are we ment to catch a bike doing 157mph in a ford fiesta?" he says "now dont bother me unless its something we have a chance of catching, you stupid boy!" and settles back down

VVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!

the ferarri passes

"sir, your not gonna believe this!" says the rookie

"what now?" the pc says

"a red ferarri has just went by doing 193mph....."

"FOR GODS SAKE BOY! how are we gonna catch that???" the pc shouts

"No, no, thats not all" says the rookie

"what then?" asks the pc

"behind it was a robin reliant, and it was right behind the ferarri, flashing its lights and indicating to overtake!!"

Highlight to reveal answer!!

:lol: :lol: :lol::lol:

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While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and

does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The

doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor

says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted

Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here.

We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.

We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a

second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if

you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring

that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes,Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know

that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to

operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself." :blink::lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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A woman walks into a bakers. She looks at the shelf with the cakes on. They all cost £3. but one is priced as £4.

She asks the baker why that one is a different price.

"That one's madeira cake". :lol::lol:

eh a dont get it!

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Little Red Riding Hood is going to visit her grandmother and is walking along the path through the forest when all of a sudden she stops near a big tree and says

"Mr Wolf, come out from behind that tree."

The wolf jumps out from behind the tree, quite annoyed and asks

"How did you know I was there?"

"Easy peasy Mr Wolf" says Little Red Riding Hood "I saw your big bushy tail sticking out the side of the tree."

"Oh you are a real little clever clogs." says the wolf and stomps off into the forest.

Little Red Riding Hood continues on along the path for a while and then stops again when she sees a big rock.

"Come out from behind the big rock Mr Wolf" she says.

"How did you know I was there this time, I kept my tail well tucked in?" asks the now visibly angry wolf.

"Simple" says Little Red Riding Hood " I saw your big grey ears sticking out over the top of the rock."

" You are a right little smart ar*e" growls the wolf as he runs off into the forest again.

Little Red Riding Hood carries on along the path until she spies a great big cave, she stops and says

"Mr Wolf, this is getting too much, come out of the cave, I know you are in there."

The wolf, absolutely livid, comes out and screams at her

"OK, Ok, you blo*dy little know-it all bitch, how did you know this time, it was too dark to see me, my ears or my tail?"

" It was your eyes" she replied "I could see them glowing in the dark, nothing complicated."

"Just who are you anyway?" asks the wolf.

"I'm Little Red Red Hood and I am going to visit my grandmother." she tells him.

"Well" says the wolf

"Would you !*!@# off to your grandmothers house and let me have a !*!@# in peace!"

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?', says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, !*!@# mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops '

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old

and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do you want for breakfast,young man?

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be !*!@# Coco Pops'

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A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gave her a call.

"Hello?" A woman answers.

God she sounded sexy! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I 'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".

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One day George W. Bush and !*!@# Cheney walk into a

diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can

take their order.

Bush leans close to her and says, 'Honey, can I have a

quickie?'

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President

about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, 'George, it is pronounced

'quiche'.

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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an

Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few

cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

'Last night I made love to my wife four times,' the

Frenchman bragged, 'and this morning she made me

delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored

me.'

'Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,' the

Italian responded, 'and this morning she made me a

wonderful omelet and told me she could never love

another man.'

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman

smugly asked, 'And how many times did you make love to

your wife last night?'

'Once,' he replied.

'Only once?' the Italian arrogantly snorted. 'And what

did she say to you this morning?'

'Don't stop.'

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Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer !*!@# ' candle."

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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture .. there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...

every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?; We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?

'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees..........

Ees...

Ees.........

Ees....

... Eees a Ham Bush! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture .. there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...

every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?; We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?

'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees..........

Ees...

Ees.........

Ees....

... Eees a Ham Bush! :lol::lol::lol::lol:

:lol::lol::lol:

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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding

the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in

the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver

when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that

her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical

condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her

husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to

be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of

more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with

a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the

last shop.

She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty,

she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and

asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her

and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't

you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town,

your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just

as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely

the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will

require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The

doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.

What'd you buy?"

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Fruit Polo's

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year s choolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's. He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

"Red............ cherry,"

"Yellow......... lemon,"

"Green.......... lime,"

" Orange . orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polo's. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the Taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're !*!@# !!"

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Little Freddy was off for his first day at school the following day so his mother sat down with him and explained that he would have to stop using those little childish names for things as he was a big boy now.

" It's not a Bow-Wow any more it's a dog"

"And it's not a Choo Choo it's a train"

She covered all those other little childish names that children use and little Freddy seemed to have taken it all in. He promised he would not use those childish words any more.

The next day when she picked little Freddy up from school he was sooooo excited.

" Mummy the teacher read us a story today and it was great"

"What was it about ?" she asked

" It was all about a bear called Winnie The !*!@# mummy"

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Fruit Polo's

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year s choolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's. He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

"Red............ cherry,"

"Yellow......... lemon,"

"Green.......... lime,"

" Orange . orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polo's. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the Taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're !*!@# !!"

:lol::lol: :lol: :lol:

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  • Andy Millne changed the title to Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

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