Jump to content

Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)


Guest MONGO

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 1.6k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

The following are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATT

You forgot to add watching the wedding video in reverse, the bride walking up the aisle, getting into the taxi and going back to her mother

Posted Images

Geordie and Makem are walking along the beach when makem finds a lantern which he promptly rubs.Up pops a genie and asks who rubbed the lantern.I did replies makem. Then you can have first wish then your friend can have a wish,you can wish for whatever you want.So makem thinks ,then says Build a wall around Sunderland to keep them Geordie B******S out.The genie is perplexed,you can have riches and women and you want a wall?Yes replies makem.So be it says the genie Woosh and a great big wall is all around Sunderland.

Now Geordie what is it that you wish for,Geordie thinks a while and asks You know that wall he had built did it have any doors or windows in it?No replies the genie.Well then says Geordie fill it with water

Link to post
Share on other sites

Mary had a little skirt

with splits right up the sides,

and every time that Mary walked

the boys could see her thighs,

She also had a little blouse

twas old and torn to bits,

and every time she wore it

the boys could see her txxs.

Mary had another skirt

twas split right up thr front,

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

but she didnt wear that one very often!!!!! :lol::lol::lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little !*!@#, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Link to post
Share on other sites

A drunk staggers int o a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall!

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!" :P:P:P

Link to post
Share on other sites

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." :P

Link to post
Share on other sites

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard

University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without

a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat

2. This is is cat

3. This is how cat

4. This is to cat

5. This is keep cat

6. This is an cat

7. This is old cat

8. This is fart cat

9. This is busy cat

10. This is for cat

11. This is forty cat

12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and I

betcha you can't resist passing it on

Link to post
Share on other sites

A bloke walks into the local benefit office, marches straight up to the counter and says,

"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll have a two-bedroom flat above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year".

The bloke says, "You're kidding me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hold on to your funnybones, ladies and g, here's a rib-tickler for you.

Q. What is the Queen's favourite games console?

How 'bout this heat, eh?

You been away on holiday yet? I was in Ibiza, me

A. The Royal Wii!!!!!!111!!!!!!!WIIARENOTAMUSED!!!!!!11!!!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hold on to your funnybones, ladies and g, here's a rib-tickler for you.

Q. What is the Queen's favourite games console?

How 'bout this heat, eh?

You been away on holiday yet? I was in Ibiza, me

A. The Royal Wii!!!!!!111!!!!!!!WIIARENOTAMUSED!!!!!!11!!!!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hold on to your funnybones, ladies and g, here's a rib-tickler for you.

Q. What is the Queen's favourite games console?

How 'bout this heat, eh?

You been away on holiday yet? I was in Ibiza, me

A. The Royal Wii!!!!!!111!!!!!!!WIIARENOTAMUSED!!!!!!11!!!!!!

LMFAO!!!!!ROFL!!!!!!URULE!!!!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hold on to your funnybones, ladies and g, here's a rib-tickler for you.

Q. What is the Queen's favourite games console?

How 'bout this heat, eh?

You been away on holiday yet? I was in Ibiza, me

A. The Royal Wii!!!!!!111!!!!!!!WIIARENOTAMUSED!!!!!!11!!!!!!

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

Laugh a nearly wii wiied mesel Colonel.

:lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious." :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious." :lol:

:lol::lol::lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Andy Millne changed the title to Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

Create a free account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Hide Adverts


  • Latest News

    • Get the latest Northumberland news and updates delivered straight to your inbox
      All they want to do is cradle their newborn baby in their arms.
      But Bedlington parents Carly Walker and Ryan Murphy have been forced to watch from the sidelines as their daughter fights for her life.
      Little Ayda Faith Murphy was born prematurely on March 31, weighing just 4lbs, at Newcastle's Royal Victoria Infirmary.
      Rushed for her first operation straight after birth and another at just four days old, she's battling terrifying odds after being diagnosed with a series of incredibly rare birth defects.
      An almost unique variant of gastroschisis, a defect of the abdominal wall, has left her intestines pushing up into her chest - a condition doctors estimate is suffered by no more than 10 babies worldwide.
      Meanwhile, her heart appears to have flipped over and lies on the wrong side of her chest, while she's receiving oxygen from a machine due to her underdeveloped lungs.
      Keep up-to-date with all the latest news in the county by visiting our Northumberland Live homepage.
      You can sign up to our daily Northumberland newsletter here.
      Facebook: Here's our main Northumberland page.
      Twitter: You can follow the Northumberland Live page here.
      Find The Journal's Northumberland editions on the British Newspaper Archive here.

  • Similar Content

    • By John Fox (foxy)
      Old Lockey's slow again,he hasn't mentioned the new Coral that's being built at the old Findus Factory.
  • Latest Topics

×
×
  • Create New...