977 replies to this topic

[Cympil]

Hamburger Pimp, on Aug 6 2007, 05:26 PM, said:

Hold on to your funnybones, ladies and g, here's a rib-tickler for you.
Q. What is the Queen's favourite games console?
How 'bout this heat, eh?
You been away on holiday yet? I was in Ibiza, me
A. The Royal Wii!!!!!!111!!!!!!!WIIARENOTAMUSED!!!!!!11!!!!!!

[Denzel]

Hamburger Pimp, on Aug 6 2007, 05:26 PM, said:

Hold on to your funnybones, ladies and g, here's a rib-tickler for you.
Q. What is the Queen's favourite games console?
How 'bout this heat, eh?
You been away on holiday yet? I was in Ibiza, me
A. The Royal Wii!!!!!!111!!!!!!!WIIARENOTAMUSED!!!!!!11!!!!!!

LMFAO!!!!!ROFL!!!!!!URULE!!!!!!!

[Pete]

Hamburger Pimp, on Aug 6 2007, 05:26 PM, said:

Hold on to your funnybones, ladies and g, here's a rib-tickler for you.
Q. What is the Queen's favourite games console?
How 'bout this heat, eh?
You been away on holiday yet? I was in Ibiza, me
A. The Royal Wii!!!!!!111!!!!!!!WIIARENOTAMUSED!!!!!!11!!!!!!

Laugh a nearly wii wiied mesel Colonel.

[Cympil]

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

[Pete]

Cympil, on Aug 6 2007, 08:59 PM, said:

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

[Hamburger Pimp]

Bernard Righton

Proof that you don't need to be racist or sexist to be funny.

[Monsta®]

Hamburger Pimp, on Aug 6 2007, 10:38 PM, said:

Bernard Righton

Proof that you don't need to be racist or sexist to be funny.

you call that funny? what a joke!

[Pete]

monsta, on Aug 7 2007, 03:54 PM, said:

you call that funny? what a joke!

Your right Monsta and it was racist us whities never got a mention,

[Monsta®]

Pete, on Aug 7 2007, 05:00 PM, said:

Your right Monsta and it was racist us whities never got a mention,

no only was it racist he had the cheek of being completely !*!@# !

[Cympil]

I sat through the whole thing this morning, i`m still wondering what the joke was

[Monsta®]

Cympil, on Aug 7 2007, 06:16 PM, said:

I sat through the whole thing this morning, i`m still wondering what the joke was

probably the fact that you watched it! did jeremy beadle jump out at the end!

[Cympil]

monsta, on Aug 7 2007, 08:03 PM, said:

probably the fact that you watched it! did jeremy beadle jump out at the end!

No but i was expecting him to

[Cympil]

Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all
over again.

[Mr Darn]

Where are you getting these from?

I like these!

[Cympil]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along!"

[Cympil]

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their
business behind a head stone or something. One of them had nothing to wipe with
so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them
away.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and
didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a
wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with
that. They then made off for home. The next day one woman's husband
phoned the other husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you
know, mine came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing" said
the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between her ass that said 'From
all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."

[Malcolm Robinson]

[quote name='Cympil' date='Aug 16 2007, 10:29 AM' post='13788']
Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

[Malcolm Robinson]

Baptising an Irishman
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a
preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into thepreacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and
asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my
brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No,oi I haven't found Jesus
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found
Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"

[Malcolm Robinson]

One morning, a man approached the first tee on his golf course, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.
"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.

The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued, "Yeah, I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best."

He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"

"Gray."

Then he asked "What colour siding?"

"Yellow."

"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"

The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond and your buddy got black hair?"

The man nodded.

"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid £5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, and shoot him in the balls."

The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy, this is your lucky day. I think I can save you £5,000!"

[Pete]

Cympil, on Aug 16 2007, 12:42 PM, said:

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along!"